Ash & I saw a tiny heart beating last Wednesday and today, the heartbeat was gone.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Rom 8:28
I don’t know the exact good that God is intending through this horrific event, I don’t need to know the details of the good that God is doing through the death of my child to trust Him, and I don’t deserve to know how God is working for good through this miscarriage.
But here are a few good things that already have resulted from God stopping my child’s heart:
There are few times in my life when I have felt more dependent than when I scoured the sonogram screen for any movement, and saw none.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21
Specifically, I do not think that somebody has to experience something in order to be compassionate with those going through that experience, but I am much more compassionate today for those who have lost their children (born and unborn) than I was yesterday.
In general, I am more sensitive today than yesterday, resulting in a habitual prayer being answered: for more compassion.
God has used the past couple of days to shed light on the brokenness still of my pride-filled, selfish heart, especially as it relates to my entitlement regarding sleep, time, and life.
Weep with those who weep.
I have experienced first hand a fulfillment of the command to weep with those who weep. There have been a number of brothers and sisters in Jesus who have wept with Ash & I over the phone, in person, and in prayer. What a beautiful, humbling lesson to learn and experience first hand in this broken world.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Rom 12:15
I am more grateful for my boys today than I was yesterday. I am more grateful for Ash today than I was yesterday. I am more grateful for my own life today than yesterday.
“The Spirit of Christ draws us toward gratitude because the Spirit convicts us of our creatureliness. We’re dependent on breath, on bread, on love, and these things come, personally, as gifts from a Father (Jas. 1:17).
Is there anything in your life that you’ve grown accustomed to? Is there something you prayed for, fervently, in pleading in its absence that you haven’t prayed for, fervently, in thanksgiving in its presence? There’s several such things in my life, and, I fear, many more that I don’t even think about.” Russell Moore, “Why I’m Ungrateful“
I’m sure that there is more. I won’t be surprised if God continues to reveal the good that he is bringing from this painful situation.
I have cried, doubted, thought, sat in confusion, been numb, and prayed fervently over the past couple of days…and I’m sure these things will continue. But I pray that even sitting down to write about what God has done and is doing will be a means by which He sustains my faith in this tough time.
“Rather than run from the inevitability of life’s tragedies, we are invited to face them, head-on, with hope. We can even begin to call things what they are – rather than what we wish them to be. A theology of the cross might seem brutal and ugly to those coasting through life. But to the compulsive, hurting, sin-sick sufferer, the cross is a beacon of hope and rest like no other. Scratch that – the man hanging on the cross is a beacon of hope and rest like no other.” Tullian Tchividjian, “Glorius Ruin” (170)
Please pray for us in this time as we return to the ground to worship (Job 1:20).