i was hanging out with my son yesterday.
and realized i needed to change something.
i know he can’t think abstractly yet (he’s only 4 months old), but i started imagining if he could.
he can’t speak or understand english yet either.
the only opinion that he would then have of me is what he encounters with his senses:
smells when i’m around,
noises when i’m around,
touch when i’m around,
taste when i’m around,
and sight when i’m around.
i think sight would have the greatest influence on his view of me, what he sees me do.
and my heart sank.
because i couldn’t convince him with words or
deceptive penetrating logic that convinced explained to him that i really do love his mom more than my iphone even if my actions didn’t always show it.
imagine that world for a minute … where you couldn’t speak to people with words,
and all they knew about you was how you lived
when you are alone,
when you are with them,
when you are with others.
i don’t want pax to see me holding my phone more than ash’s hand.
i don’t want him to see my eyes locked onto a screen more than his mom’s eyes.
i don’t want him to see me listening to a sermon more than him.
i don’t want him to see me reading a book more than his heart.
none of this is a matter of external behavior modification either,
it’s an issue of my heart.
no matter how many times i say i care about spending time with my son more than my iphone,
or no matter how many times i say i enjoy thinking about God more than my job,
my actions – stemming from my heart – indict me.
i can say what i think is right or how i should be, but my actions reveal the current state of my heart.
yes, what i say comes out of my heart, but my heart is marred by darkness.
so is my mind, which helps formulate the words that come out of my mouth,
and eventually, the true state of my heart will be exposed by my words.
however, sometimes an easier and accurate reflection of the state of your heart is your actions.
for example, what do you think you care about?
check your bank statement over the last month – what did you spend the most on?
that is actually what you care about.
i do what i want to do
…and so do you.
and the last thing i want pax to remember from his childhood is a pretty glare on my glasses.
come Lord Jesus – you’re my only hope.
what do you need Holy Spirit to change in your heart?